I have no one to blame but myself for wasting two hours of my life after I found out this was directed by the slowest, style-over-substance and shitty Nicolas Winding Refn.
His kind of movies move at a snail's pace and it's no wonder since there are about 2 pages of actual story in his "screenplays." I understand he's one of those love him/hate him kinds of "filmmakers," like Terrence Malick and I definitely fall in the latter half
for both.
I don't mind a slow-burner so much, as long as there's something behind the scenes. Something to build upon, some sense of reality, someone to root for.
Here we have incredibly terrible people – all of them, doing incredibly blasphemous stuff for, I'm guessing, the sake of art? Get ready for it (and yeah, this is spoiler-territory, but I have a feeling you'll thank me instead of criticizing me): here, in the meek "script," you'll be served up necrophilia, cannibalism and an unhealthy amount of pedophilia.
A pretty girl – not gorgeous, not a supermodel and not goddess-like as they constantly tell us, is getting her immediate break in the L.A. fashion industry. Others are jealous. She seems innocent, but lives up to the movie's title. Oh, and she's 16, but that's okay for all the adults wanting to seduce, kiss, see her naked and make love to her.
Really, that, plus a bunch of random artistic and nail-biting deliberate scenes make up the rest of the incredible two-hour run time.
What makes a Nicolas Winding Refn "experience" so frustrating, is that it's so pompous. It's like being in an art gallery and telling your friend you don't like the train wreck painting you're trying to look away from. Immediately, your friend's clichéd response is "Well, you just don't get it! It's aaaaarrrrrrt!"
Well, I do get it. I got the whole movie. It just felt as hollow as the characters they're portraying. And funny enough, it's labelled as a "horror." Not really. I mean, horrible stuff happens, but it's like watching the downward spiral of the U.S. thanks to the political season we're currently in and calling that "horror" as well.
OK, fine. It did remind me a bit of Suspiria in mood and ugly women doing bad things, but without witchcraft. Oh, and sure, you might find them attractive here, but they are so wooden, one-dimensional and horrible individuals, they are absolutely ugly to me. Not to mention, they all look so similar, it was increasingly hard to tell who was who, including our "heroine."
I imagine if you liked his other slow-ass films, you'd be one of those "But, it's aaaaarrrrrrt!" people and like this. Fine. To each their own. I just appreciate cinema that's not just a 2-hour screensaver.
***
Final thoughts: Drive wasn't terrible, but Only God Forgives and this crap was. I just can't take anymore NWR. Mercifully, this one didn't star NWR (I'm tired of writing his self-important name out) regular and highly arrogant partner, Ryan Gosling. Definitely no room in here for him, but I doubt even he and his big head could save this travesty.
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