Lord love a duck, but this is a bad movie all on its own. To call it Suspiria just makes it worse.
The writing and direction come off as both never having seen Suspiria and not at all understanding the story...which is laughably sad, since Suspiria's story is written in the manner of a fairy tale. It's simple as can be.
This film, however, manages to completely mess it up in every way possible. Changes are made, arbitrarily and needlessly, to the point where it's absolutely unidentifiable as Suspiria; no part of it has anything to do with the real thing, aside from some similar names. It's also remarkably misogynistic, as well as being misanthropic, which the original, despite being made forty years ago, was not.
It obsesses with dance and yet doesn't do dance at all remotely well. Yet we as the audience are supposed to recognize the things they do as graceful and authentic, even that the lead Dakota Johnson -- who was terrible, and an even worse dancer than she is an actress -- trained over a year to achieve just the right look and understanding of dance...when she doesn't even do correct spotting, a fundamental aspect of dance, within the first half-hour.
And the choreography is so bad. It's embarrassing, laughable, and just execrable. It's not artistic, it's not graceful at all, and it looks like something a group of teenagers threw together to celebrate something they clearly don't understand but vehemently insist they do.
Everything about this film is wrong. It's the definition of "tryhard", like a little brother who lives in his older sibling's shadow and tries to change things to their diametric opposite extreme in order to distinguish himself. The acting is shockingly bad, though that may be due to poor direction. The photography is also pretty and atrocious, in turns. You'll see a shot and think "that's pretty", and within five minutes, there will be at least one shot that looks like someone shot it on their phone, complete with manual run-ups to zoom. Cheap and amateurish.
The soundtrack, as much as I wanted to look forward to it, is also not good. But then, neither is the sound production. It's altogether too quiet most of the time, or it's so fuzzy that it becomes impossible to understand. Not that them having huge stretches in German, which they don't subtitle, helps the coherency of the film; the extent to which the viewer feels alienated and just plainly bored is made far worse by this tendency.
The visuals are bland and boring as they are patently stupid.
There is literally no reason to watch this film calling itself by the title of something it's not, when you could watch a shorter, less pretentious, better-acted, more visually entertaining, better-directed, more coherent film with far better music, made forty years ago. This movie is a chore, and it doesn't deserve the attention for half of its runtime. This is exactly the kind of "reimagining" or "homage" everyone fears for something they love: a hackjob made by a pretentious ass who doesn't even understand what they're doing or what they're supposedly paying homage to in the first place.
It doesn't deserve the title, or the names of any of the characters...which are incidentally its only resemblance to Dario Argento's classic horror masterpiece. Is it perfect? Nah. But even Mother of Tears was better than this piece of trash.
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