Steven Seagal is sitting down in his favorite Romanian restaurant with his 19-year old blonde girl-friend; he is wearing his favorite turtle-neck and leather jacket combination for the occasion. When he is done ordering for him and her from a dodgy-looking waiter ("She's having what I'm having, because I'm totally awesome. - What I'm having? I don't know, what are you having?"), two even more dodgy-looking pony-tailed Albanians pop up, and certainly not to sell roses...
So Steven tries to get up, falls over - almost into a fire - because for some reason unknown to the viewer, he suddenly seems to be wearing no less than FOUR TURTLENECK SWEATERS! So his stunt-double is trying to get up while Steve is fighting off two dodgy-looking Albanians and multiple turtlenecks. On top of that he's wearing a MASSIVE bullet-proof SHIELD that leaves room for about seven more turtlenecks and two more leather jackets! Just as everything gets get way too complicated on the eyes, ears and brain, the muscles take over and get the job done! Steven Seagal's hand muscles - in extreme close-up: supreme slapping by Steve! Every other Balkan-type is effortlessly brushed aside with a top-spin backhand.
Steve pushes a few more - also some innocent looking staff - out of the window and takes his stone-faced trophy by the hand. "This is why I hate eating out," he groans as he walks out of the place.
And he is so right. Putting on multiple turtlenecks, two or three leather jackets and a kevlar suit two times the size of Oprah Winfrey must be a hassle - let alone the fans that want a word, an autograph or a smack in the face ("Please, Steve - It would be an honor!"). Add that to the fact that it takes him about five minutes to get a bite of food down. Steve is practically unable to breathe during dinner and he has to rely on ancient eastern meditation techniques to stay alive!
No - bothering the maestro during a meal is certainly not a good plan. Don't do it kids, stay in school! Don't do Steven Seagal. Well, not unless you're 18, or until you're 16. Or before you're totally awesome. Like the pony-tailed sushi-chef extra-ordinaire himself, the man whose hair has miraculously started to grow back since 1988, after a mystical experience at a Rick Astley concert. The man we have all learned to love, in spite and because of everything he is, was, and will be.
If one time, the day comes that I am to meet him, I will not kneel and kiss his feet - no siree Bob! I will stay out of his way, because I'm afraid he will do something unexpected , like quote Shakespeare. And that would not be right. Because, not only is Steven Frederic Seagal an outstanding thespian in his own right and time and place in time and space, he's an excellent auteur as well. So there is absolutely no in him quoting a fellow playwright. Hah!
Having said that and having said this and having said earlier that what I'm saying right now may or may not be entirely according to the truth as we know it , I rest my case.
عرض المزيد 
